When you have two options that are so diametrically proposed, yet you want each of them equally…what a pickle!
Right now, I'd love nothing more than to quit my job, move across the country, have a family, and be a great wife. I am craving the small town life more and more each day. I want green. I want trees, grass, and water. I want everything that seems so distant in this dusty, hot desert. I want home. I miss the sense of comfort you had no idea you felt until you left and you don't feel it anymore. The familiarity, the people I used to know, the places I used to frequent seem so far away now.
But then there are people I love here. My mom and dad, two of the most important people in my whole life, I could not live without them. I don't want my children to live without them. And there are others. Phoenix has introduced me to some people I really love and care about. It would be so hard to be without them. And Phoenix is a great place.
I miss Ohio. I miss sharing a common experience and way of life as others around me. I miss not having to explain the way things used to be--they just know because their experiences are the same. I miss the love, the heart, and the soul. I miss my two really good friends. Good friendship is so difficult to come by. I think this summer has really scorned me. Losing several good friends to moves across states was really hard. They were people I invested in and cared for deeply. I think their being gone has made me extremely cautious of making friends with others. Developing friendships is hard and you pretty much leave yourself open like a wound. It's scary that some kind of poison might get into the wound or maybe it's a healing property that just decides to move to another state…
Until I wrote that out just now, I don't think I realized how my friends' moves had effected me. It's true that I have pushed people away in the last few months. Now I realize why.
I don't know. I do feel like I am ready to start the next chapter in my life, whatever that may be. I have high hopes for the future, but also feel a little let down by the current state of things. I want to be the person I am supposed to be. I want to be loving and kind toward others. I want to feel passionate about something I truly care about. I want to love. I want to love so much. I want to be an amazing wife, and I want that to be one of my highest priorities. I want to soak in the relationship I have with Jesus. I need to learn to feel and hear his presence more profoundly. I just want happiness and joy and freedom and love.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Am I Old Now?
For the first time in my life, I am really starting to feel old. I always thought that it was just a mindset, and I'm really not yet convinced it isn't, but I sure am starting to feel the distance from childhood.
I was looking through pictures tonight and thought about changing my Facebook profile photo. I found one I liked and almost changed it. However, while I was looking at the photo, I realized it was two years old. Two years! It was a picture from a random evening here in Phoenix. I sincerely feel as though I just showed up yesterday to Arizona, and suddenly I've been here for more than two years.
Then I started thinking about how much time has past since other life-changing events. It's been five years since college ended. Ten years since high school graduation. Why does it feel like I was JUST sitting in Mr. Smith's chemistry class or receiving my bachelor's degree at Ohio State?
So, now, I feel, well, old. It makes me sad to think how much time has gone by. I feel like I have really whittled away the last few years without making the most of it. I am scared I will waste the next two years. I am worried about what I will do with my life.
Another piece that is making me so contemplative about all this is the fact that the majority of my friends are getting ready to move. Two of my best friends are about to move to another state. Two other really close friends from work are also moving, along with a few other coworker friends of mine. When I first moved here, I thought I would never make any friends, and it did take some time. Right now, I feel like I have some great ones, but I am afraid once they are gone that my life will feel very empty and lonely. It's amazing how you can become so close to people in such a short time. I could have never dreamed two years ago that I would be this upset about losing friends I have made here in Arizona.
How can I deal with this? How can I make new friends and stay close with the old? I know from experience that it's not easy to stay in touch with people you are no longer living close to. How can I ensure that my friendships with these people do not fad and become nothing more than a memory? I really don't know and that is just where I am at right now.
I guess my post has less to do with my getting older, and more to do with my surprise over how quickly time passes by. It makes me think of that song, "100 Years to Live". That song has always depressed me, but the older I grow, the truer it rings. It's taken me 27 years to realized that life is moving SO QUICKLY. I hope I can make the most of the time I have left on this earth.
I was looking through pictures tonight and thought about changing my Facebook profile photo. I found one I liked and almost changed it. However, while I was looking at the photo, I realized it was two years old. Two years! It was a picture from a random evening here in Phoenix. I sincerely feel as though I just showed up yesterday to Arizona, and suddenly I've been here for more than two years.
Then I started thinking about how much time has past since other life-changing events. It's been five years since college ended. Ten years since high school graduation. Why does it feel like I was JUST sitting in Mr. Smith's chemistry class or receiving my bachelor's degree at Ohio State?
So, now, I feel, well, old. It makes me sad to think how much time has gone by. I feel like I have really whittled away the last few years without making the most of it. I am scared I will waste the next two years. I am worried about what I will do with my life.
Another piece that is making me so contemplative about all this is the fact that the majority of my friends are getting ready to move. Two of my best friends are about to move to another state. Two other really close friends from work are also moving, along with a few other coworker friends of mine. When I first moved here, I thought I would never make any friends, and it did take some time. Right now, I feel like I have some great ones, but I am afraid once they are gone that my life will feel very empty and lonely. It's amazing how you can become so close to people in such a short time. I could have never dreamed two years ago that I would be this upset about losing friends I have made here in Arizona.
How can I deal with this? How can I make new friends and stay close with the old? I know from experience that it's not easy to stay in touch with people you are no longer living close to. How can I ensure that my friendships with these people do not fad and become nothing more than a memory? I really don't know and that is just where I am at right now.
I guess my post has less to do with my getting older, and more to do with my surprise over how quickly time passes by. It makes me think of that song, "100 Years to Live". That song has always depressed me, but the older I grow, the truer it rings. It's taken me 27 years to realized that life is moving SO QUICKLY. I hope I can make the most of the time I have left on this earth.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Prompt
I was reading through writing prompts for adults--I don't know why, just go with it--and I saw one that suggested writing about what younger me would have thought about older me. I actually think it was "what younger me would have liked", but either way, I thought it was an interesting idea.
I mean, I guess it depends on which younger me we are thinking about…
Ohio college-grad Jessica would be really surprised at the amount of friends I have made since leaving Ohio. At that time, I really thought the few friends I had managed to keep in Ohio would be my only friends for the rest of my life. However, when I got to Arizona, I began making friends through lots of different avenues. I guess at that time I thought that if I hadn't made that many friends in college, I probably wouldn't make many from there on out. Another thing I'd have been surprised by is how much I actually do enjoy my job. Sure, some days are tough and demanding, but overall, I feel like I am in the right career. I like what I do. I have a lot of fun teaching and I absolutely love that I've found a job I can be creative in.
I just don't think this journal prompt thing is working for me. I feel like it is almost too…basic. What I want to write about is deeper and more meaningful (well, to me at least). Journal prompts just seem way too surface level. I guess that is just not how I think of a journal.
I mean, I guess it depends on which younger me we are thinking about…
Ohio college-grad Jessica would be really surprised at the amount of friends I have made since leaving Ohio. At that time, I really thought the few friends I had managed to keep in Ohio would be my only friends for the rest of my life. However, when I got to Arizona, I began making friends through lots of different avenues. I guess at that time I thought that if I hadn't made that many friends in college, I probably wouldn't make many from there on out. Another thing I'd have been surprised by is how much I actually do enjoy my job. Sure, some days are tough and demanding, but overall, I feel like I am in the right career. I like what I do. I have a lot of fun teaching and I absolutely love that I've found a job I can be creative in.
I just don't think this journal prompt thing is working for me. I feel like it is almost too…basic. What I want to write about is deeper and more meaningful (well, to me at least). Journal prompts just seem way too surface level. I guess that is just not how I think of a journal.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Strings. Everything seems to be connected together with strings. I can connect to people, places, ideas, anything--it just takes strings.
Arizona is hard for me right now. For so long, it's been so good to me. I have loved the nice weather, the fun social scene, and I have made a lot if new friends. But...it's hard for me now. I am preparing my heart for the departure of a few if the closest friends I have here. Friends are one thing that has made Arizona feel like home. In the last year or two, I have become so close with a few people. The problem is--they are leaving. And that's largely the problem with Arizona. Everyone is always leaving. Or coming. And then leaving again. Nothing is stagnant here. In Ohio, you are in it for the long haul. No one plans a move to Ohio without a very good and specific reason. And no one plans to leave outside of those circumstances either. Here, the people are constantly moving in and out. It makes it difficult to keep a close circle of friends.
Also, I want to find any other way to say this, in a way that is so much less cliche, but for now, this: people are so fake here. Not just people. Life. People rent their dumb houses with AstroTurf lawns or highly looked after grass. They have no clue who their neighbors are. The Scottsdale cultural norm will not allow for normal conversation without alcohol or expensive dining. The social lubricant is always expensive and always overboard. Everything is judged by looks. Judging a book by its cover is completely accepted here. I know Ohio is not perfect, but I feel like the Midwest is just so much more real and genuine.
Arizona is hard for me right now. For so long, it's been so good to me. I have loved the nice weather, the fun social scene, and I have made a lot if new friends. But...it's hard for me now. I am preparing my heart for the departure of a few if the closest friends I have here. Friends are one thing that has made Arizona feel like home. In the last year or two, I have become so close with a few people. The problem is--they are leaving. And that's largely the problem with Arizona. Everyone is always leaving. Or coming. And then leaving again. Nothing is stagnant here. In Ohio, you are in it for the long haul. No one plans a move to Ohio without a very good and specific reason. And no one plans to leave outside of those circumstances either. Here, the people are constantly moving in and out. It makes it difficult to keep a close circle of friends.
Also, I want to find any other way to say this, in a way that is so much less cliche, but for now, this: people are so fake here. Not just people. Life. People rent their dumb houses with AstroTurf lawns or highly looked after grass. They have no clue who their neighbors are. The Scottsdale cultural norm will not allow for normal conversation without alcohol or expensive dining. The social lubricant is always expensive and always overboard. Everything is judged by looks. Judging a book by its cover is completely accepted here. I know Ohio is not perfect, but I feel like the Midwest is just so much more real and genuine.
There is one thing I miss about sleeping alone--this. I used to write before bed, and it would really help me to unwind and put my thoughts out to look at. Now, I can't get on my computer because it would disturb Matt. Plus, I have him to talk to, so I don't necessarily NEED to write down how I am feeling.
But there is something more permanent about putting it to paper. Or screen, I guess. There is something about writing out how you feel. You can look at it as a whole and remember. Then go back later and feel it all again. It's strange and wonderful how you can write something, and then months or years later go back and read that piece of you that was so true and real at the time.
Tonight, I was thinking about the connections we have with certain people, with all people, really. It is interesting how we become friends and grow relationships with people. What is it that draws us to certain people? How do we bond, and why?
When I think about my friends, they are so very different. Yet, I am like all of them in a way. I connect with each of them in a specific and totally different way. It's beautiful. I think that when you meet a person, a certain amount of your soul matches theirs. Or maybe compliments it. I don't know. With some people, it may be very little. With others, it can be very similar. These are the people who become your good friends. You can make deep connections with them. Conversations come naturally, and you simply feel a bond growing every time you talk together. The friendship you have with that person just makes sense. I also believe that when these relationships grow, it is an indication of your souls aligning even more. The more you talk to one of these friends, the bigger the matching pieces of your souls become.
But there is something more permanent about putting it to paper. Or screen, I guess. There is something about writing out how you feel. You can look at it as a whole and remember. Then go back later and feel it all again. It's strange and wonderful how you can write something, and then months or years later go back and read that piece of you that was so true and real at the time.
Tonight, I was thinking about the connections we have with certain people, with all people, really. It is interesting how we become friends and grow relationships with people. What is it that draws us to certain people? How do we bond, and why?
When I think about my friends, they are so very different. Yet, I am like all of them in a way. I connect with each of them in a specific and totally different way. It's beautiful. I think that when you meet a person, a certain amount of your soul matches theirs. Or maybe compliments it. I don't know. With some people, it may be very little. With others, it can be very similar. These are the people who become your good friends. You can make deep connections with them. Conversations come naturally, and you simply feel a bond growing every time you talk together. The friendship you have with that person just makes sense. I also believe that when these relationships grow, it is an indication of your souls aligning even more. The more you talk to one of these friends, the bigger the matching pieces of your souls become.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Sometimes, life is really hard. I feel like I just want to crawl into my bed and literally lay there all day long. My weeks have been really dragging lately since announcing to the world that I will start my new job in a few weeks. Every day, it gets harder and harder to get through the mind numbingly boring world of data entry. I honestly believe that it is a place where the grumpiest, saddest people go to live out their lives. Some of my coworkers are so difficult to get a long with--and I consider myself a people person! With that said, I am so happy to be moving in another direction in the coming weeks.
Segway into a different topic...
Friendship is strange & wonderful.
I have some wonderful, amazing friends. I am extremely blessed to have best friends that live 10 miles away and best friends who will make the 2,000 journey to visit me. I am truly lucky to have these people in my life. I miss the far away ones daily.
Third topic...
Marriage is another strange, strange thing. There are days when I feel like it is so hard to live with another person. I never have enough space or alone time. I can't always do what I want to do. I have to think about another person before buying things, making plans and even cooking dinner. But then...then I think about the fact that all my worries, fears, and concerns can be shared with my spouse. I get so much strength from Matt. He helps me through so much. He protects me when I am feeling sad or alone. Having him beside me makes me life so much better. I love him so, so much.
Lastly...
God is beautiful. The way he laces everything together is absolutely amazing. I love that no matter what, I can count on Him to be there. I am never alone, because He is always with me. I feel such comfort in knowing that God has Plan A for my life, and although I do worry about my day-to-day decisions, I also know that God is protecting me.
Overall, I am feeling very thankful for everything in my life right now. Things are progressing and I am feeling more and more like my life is taking shape. It's an amazing feeling.
Segway into a different topic...
Friendship is strange & wonderful.
I have some wonderful, amazing friends. I am extremely blessed to have best friends that live 10 miles away and best friends who will make the 2,000 journey to visit me. I am truly lucky to have these people in my life. I miss the far away ones daily.
Third topic...
Marriage is another strange, strange thing. There are days when I feel like it is so hard to live with another person. I never have enough space or alone time. I can't always do what I want to do. I have to think about another person before buying things, making plans and even cooking dinner. But then...then I think about the fact that all my worries, fears, and concerns can be shared with my spouse. I get so much strength from Matt. He helps me through so much. He protects me when I am feeling sad or alone. Having him beside me makes me life so much better. I love him so, so much.
Lastly...
God is beautiful. The way he laces everything together is absolutely amazing. I love that no matter what, I can count on Him to be there. I am never alone, because He is always with me. I feel such comfort in knowing that God has Plan A for my life, and although I do worry about my day-to-day decisions, I also know that God is protecting me.
Overall, I am feeling very thankful for everything in my life right now. Things are progressing and I am feeling more and more like my life is taking shape. It's an amazing feeling.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Wonderful, Beautiful, Crazy Life
"Life is short."
That's a funny thing to say. Yet, we all say it. And mean it. It does seem short, doesn't it? After 26 years, I am truly beginning to understand the concept. My life is at a very strange stage. It seems as though the last ten years have flown by. Just today, I made a comment that when I say something occurred when I was sixteen, that was actually ten years ago. It just feels so odd that it was a decade ago that I started driving, dating and was more than halfway through high school. It's hard to fathom it, as I feel like I was in college at Ohio State only a few days ago.
However, there are some aspects of my life that still seem to take a very long time. For instance, I feel like I am slooooowly getting to a "real job". When I was younger, age 26 looked very different. Honestly, when I was sixteen, I pictured my current age like this:
Married. A baby. Working a great job. Living in a nice house, that I owned, of course. Pretty much the upper middle class lifestyle.
Yeah. That's no quite where I'm at.
Sure, I'm married, but that is where the similarities end. While I did marry a wonderful guy, and I am quite happy, there are certainlly aspects of my life that are not what I expected. I definitely didn't picture living with two other people when I got married. Nor did I imagine the debt. Oh, also I didn't think I'd be living in Arizona. I certainly didn't think I would be childless, and furthermore, I didn't think I would be aiming more toward a two year plan or so for having kids. I really figured that life was a giant cookie cutter, I guess.
And yet. I am so happy. I really am. I have made some really amazing friends in the last year. I have been so, so blessed. Really. There are people in my life who are just perfect for the place in life that I'm currently at. I have found an amazing church, and even though we have gone through some changes in the short time I've attended, I feel so at home. The people there are really and truly the greatest people I could ask for in a church community. I need that. God has been so, so good to me. I know that even when I am feeling low, He is there and He is guiding me. I know for sure that this is Plan A. I think that is what really keeps me going, knowing that God has Plan A for my life. This life is not a punishment or a secondary plan. This great life is mine, and I am embracing it with everything I've got.
I don't know how I went from thinking about the "life is short" phrase to all of this. I guess, to round it out, I would say, yes, life is short. But it is so much more than that. It is a really interesting, crazy, wonderful, beautiful journey. There are ups and downs, but that is the interesting part. We hate to admit it, but the rough patches are a really integral part of the journey. They are a huge part of what makes us who we are, and for that I am very grateful.
To sum all this rambling up, I would just like to say that I am happy to be on this journey. Long or short, difficult or easy, life is a road we all have to take. I'm choosing to embrace it with all I've got.
That's a funny thing to say. Yet, we all say it. And mean it. It does seem short, doesn't it? After 26 years, I am truly beginning to understand the concept. My life is at a very strange stage. It seems as though the last ten years have flown by. Just today, I made a comment that when I say something occurred when I was sixteen, that was actually ten years ago. It just feels so odd that it was a decade ago that I started driving, dating and was more than halfway through high school. It's hard to fathom it, as I feel like I was in college at Ohio State only a few days ago.
However, there are some aspects of my life that still seem to take a very long time. For instance, I feel like I am slooooowly getting to a "real job". When I was younger, age 26 looked very different. Honestly, when I was sixteen, I pictured my current age like this:
Married. A baby. Working a great job. Living in a nice house, that I owned, of course. Pretty much the upper middle class lifestyle.
Yeah. That's no quite where I'm at.
Sure, I'm married, but that is where the similarities end. While I did marry a wonderful guy, and I am quite happy, there are certainlly aspects of my life that are not what I expected. I definitely didn't picture living with two other people when I got married. Nor did I imagine the debt. Oh, also I didn't think I'd be living in Arizona. I certainly didn't think I would be childless, and furthermore, I didn't think I would be aiming more toward a two year plan or so for having kids. I really figured that life was a giant cookie cutter, I guess.
And yet. I am so happy. I really am. I have made some really amazing friends in the last year. I have been so, so blessed. Really. There are people in my life who are just perfect for the place in life that I'm currently at. I have found an amazing church, and even though we have gone through some changes in the short time I've attended, I feel so at home. The people there are really and truly the greatest people I could ask for in a church community. I need that. God has been so, so good to me. I know that even when I am feeling low, He is there and He is guiding me. I know for sure that this is Plan A. I think that is what really keeps me going, knowing that God has Plan A for my life. This life is not a punishment or a secondary plan. This great life is mine, and I am embracing it with everything I've got.
I don't know how I went from thinking about the "life is short" phrase to all of this. I guess, to round it out, I would say, yes, life is short. But it is so much more than that. It is a really interesting, crazy, wonderful, beautiful journey. There are ups and downs, but that is the interesting part. We hate to admit it, but the rough patches are a really integral part of the journey. They are a huge part of what makes us who we are, and for that I am very grateful.
To sum all this rambling up, I would just like to say that I am happy to be on this journey. Long or short, difficult or easy, life is a road we all have to take. I'm choosing to embrace it with all I've got.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
So many tweets and status updates about people losing faith in the country, "stupid idiots" on both sides, and all the other political garbage out there. If you are this upset, and have put all of your reliance, time and energy on/in the government or political leaders in charge, you should take a good hard look at what you are putting your high expectations in in the first place. Imperfect policies and people will always let you down and never satisfy you. God is literally the only one who can do that for you. So before you feel depressed or like the world is falling down around you, look to God, because I unlike politicians, governments and fellow Americans, He will not let you down.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Alone time...yeah, that never happens.
In the last year, I've transitioned from living with one roommate, to living by myself, to living with my parents & brother, to living with my husband and two other guys. The shortest of those arrangements was me living alone. During that time, I really enjoyed having time to write, relax & just generally be by myself. Now, I feel like I am on someone else's schedule all the time. For example, I'm being summoned to bed as I type...so much for blogging!
In the last year, I've transitioned from living with one roommate, to living by myself, to living with my parents & brother, to living with my husband and two other guys. The shortest of those arrangements was me living alone. During that time, I really enjoyed having time to write, relax & just generally be by myself. Now, I feel like I am on someone else's schedule all the time. For example, I'm being summoned to bed as I type...so much for blogging!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
What is God's plan for my life?
I have spent a lot of time lately trying to figure that out. I have been paying attention more lately. I have talents, most of which it has taken my the whole 25 years of my life to realize. I am learning that I love people so much. I have a really soft spot in my heart for struggling people. By struggling people, I really mean people who look just like me. People who live an average American life, yet are going through changes and challenges like life transitions, addictions, love life problems, etc. my heart goes out to these people because I can see myself in them. I can feel their pain, even if I don't personally share the same struggles. I just want so badly to provide love, help and understanding to these people. My heart aches for them, and I feel called to help them in some way.
I am by no means perfect. I know this, and so does God. I also know that it doesn't matter. That doesn't stop me from trying to live life according to God's plan for me. It also doesn't stop me from reaching out to other and lending a helping hand. Actually, I feel like my imperfections and past troubles have given me the tools to help others.
Thank you God for showing me that I do have a purpose. I aiterating to live it every day.
I have spent a lot of time lately trying to figure that out. I have been paying attention more lately. I have talents, most of which it has taken my the whole 25 years of my life to realize. I am learning that I love people so much. I have a really soft spot in my heart for struggling people. By struggling people, I really mean people who look just like me. People who live an average American life, yet are going through changes and challenges like life transitions, addictions, love life problems, etc. my heart goes out to these people because I can see myself in them. I can feel their pain, even if I don't personally share the same struggles. I just want so badly to provide love, help and understanding to these people. My heart aches for them, and I feel called to help them in some way.
I am by no means perfect. I know this, and so does God. I also know that it doesn't matter. That doesn't stop me from trying to live life according to God's plan for me. It also doesn't stop me from reaching out to other and lending a helping hand. Actually, I feel like my imperfections and past troubles have given me the tools to help others.
Thank you God for showing me that I do have a purpose. I aiterating to live it every day.
Monday, October 1, 2012
My official excuse? My laptop broke.
Really though? I just haven't committed. And I miss it. Reading about my life from even six months ago makes me sad that I haven't journaled or blogged in so long. And there have been so many things to write about. Oh so many,
The big news? Matt and I got married! Seriously, wow. It's been a month now, and it is honestly incredible. The months leading up to our wedding for fun, stressful, exciting and infuriating at times. I won't lie and say it was smooth sailing the whole way through. We made it tot he other side though, and today, on our one month anniversary, I have to say that I am overjoyed with our relationship. God has blessed me with finding another person to share my life with. I'm so happy I found him so early in life. I'm absolutely thrilled to spend the rest of my life with this man.
Marriage has brought a lot of challenges. Heck, life has brought a lot of challenges this year. A whirlwhind of change has occurred in my life, and I think it s for the better. I'm in love, I'm happy, I'm making really great friends, and i know my relationship with God is getting stronger every day. I feel that my future looks pretty bright.
I still haven't found a professional career yet, but I'm okay with it. Of course, I want to make more money and feel more satisfied at work, but I know that the right opportunity will come along. Right now, I am enjoying the ride. Life is such a beautiful journey, and I'm doing my best to enjoy it.
I have so much more to write about, but I think my husband just got home and I want to go wish him a happy one month anniversary. I promise I will try to write more soon.
Really though? I just haven't committed. And I miss it. Reading about my life from even six months ago makes me sad that I haven't journaled or blogged in so long. And there have been so many things to write about. Oh so many,
The big news? Matt and I got married! Seriously, wow. It's been a month now, and it is honestly incredible. The months leading up to our wedding for fun, stressful, exciting and infuriating at times. I won't lie and say it was smooth sailing the whole way through. We made it tot he other side though, and today, on our one month anniversary, I have to say that I am overjoyed with our relationship. God has blessed me with finding another person to share my life with. I'm so happy I found him so early in life. I'm absolutely thrilled to spend the rest of my life with this man.
Marriage has brought a lot of challenges. Heck, life has brought a lot of challenges this year. A whirlwhind of change has occurred in my life, and I think it s for the better. I'm in love, I'm happy, I'm making really great friends, and i know my relationship with God is getting stronger every day. I feel that my future looks pretty bright.
I still haven't found a professional career yet, but I'm okay with it. Of course, I want to make more money and feel more satisfied at work, but I know that the right opportunity will come along. Right now, I am enjoying the ride. Life is such a beautiful journey, and I'm doing my best to enjoy it.
I have so much more to write about, but I think my husband just got home and I want to go wish him a happy one month anniversary. I promise I will try to write more soon.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
I miss having a core group of friends. I miss having a wonderful group of girls to go to for everything, from parties to problems. Now, in a new city, I'm struggling to gain the friendships I once had. New people. New relationships. New rules.
I've met so many awesome people in Phoenix. I've truly come to like almost everyone I've met here. But....it's not like home. Ha, it's funny I still call Ohio home. And now I feel a sad realization that it isn't anymore. I think this how I felt when I first graduated from Ohio State. I wanted so badly to go back there. I wanted all the things I had there and the experiences that went along with being a student at that amazing place. What I was truly longing for was the place I felt at home. At school, I was a student. I was a part of a huge organization, a group who bonded based solely on our shared institution. I still miss that, being a part of OSU. Time though, time has softened the blow, the desperation to get back to Ohio State. A lot of that came from new experiences. I found new interests and even a few new friends. And the old friends, they didn't go anywhere. They stilled loved me after college. They were there for me. And still are.
Just because something in life changes, it doesn't mean life is going to get worse. I honestly miss my friends so much, but they haven't gone anywhere. I still talk to them. I still need them, and I hope they still need me from time to time too. I know eventually I will have close friends here, but I will never not be friends with my Ohio girls.
I think Carmen Ohio says it best, "time and change will surely show, how firm thy friendship, OHIO."
Monday, April 9, 2012
Haveeeeee Fun
There are some really important things in a successful relationship. I don't profess to know even half of them. But there are at least two things I've realized about relationship success.
The first is having fun together. To me, this is so, so, so important. I love going out and having a good time with Matt. We go to dinner, get drinks with friends, hike, explore, or watch a movie on TV. The activity doesn't matter as much as just genuinely having a good time. Of course there are boring times too. No one's life is pure fun all the time. I just think that when you get stuck in a rut or a pattern of boringness, that's when it takes a toll on the relationship. No one wants to be stuck forever in the same blasé pattern. Why would anyone? So I really think that having fun together is part of what makes a relationship worth having.
The other really important thing--have fun apart. At first that almost seems to contradict my first point, but it doesn't. While your relationship should be fun for you as a couple, I don't think you should become so attached to each other that you are unable to have fun apart. Today I saw someone tweet that she had separation anxiety from her husband. Is that not a little weird? Of course I love Matt and miss him when I don't see him, but if he's gone I don't mope around like it's the end of the world. There ARE other people outside of your couple. There should be! If you don't think you could function as a whole person if your significant other wasn't in your life, then you should reevaluate the way your relationship is running! I believe there is a wonderful love between two people, but I don't think it is the only thing that matters. So, go. Have a night out by yourself. Visit your parents by yourself. Go hiking with friends. You're dating/engaged/married, but that doesn't mean you are sewn together. And at the end of the day, you still really love and care for each other. There's no reason to feel like you can't do things on your own.
So there is a brief overview of a few important things. Obviously there is more to a relationship than pure fun, but hey, it's not a bad place to start!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Charles B!
Sooo, my dad is basically hanging out with Charles Barkley right now. Well, I don't know about hanging out, but they are at the same bar. He's living my dream, let's just say that.
I've always been a Charles Barkley fan, and I have to say it all started with a movie. The glorious movie called Space Jam. He was my favorite basketball player in that movie, okay minus Michael J. Beyond that though, he is the star of my favorite movie line of all time. I cannot explain why it is my favorite, but it just makes the mark for me. Here it is in all it's glory:
"You're not Charles Barkley. You're just a wannabe who looks like him."
Insignificant, stupid line? Maybe...but maybe not. It's in the way she says it. It's the fact of the ridiculous background music that is playing during the scene. Maybe it's just because I was a weirdo child and that line stuck with me for some reason. I really don't know, but there it is. Greatest. Line. Ever.
So, in essence, I am jealous of my dad right now. He is hanging with a celeb of both cinema and sport. And by the way, I wish I were there 95% only because I want to use that line.
I've always been a Charles Barkley fan, and I have to say it all started with a movie. The glorious movie called Space Jam. He was my favorite basketball player in that movie, okay minus Michael J. Beyond that though, he is the star of my favorite movie line of all time. I cannot explain why it is my favorite, but it just makes the mark for me. Here it is in all it's glory:
"You're not Charles Barkley. You're just a wannabe who looks like him."
Insignificant, stupid line? Maybe...but maybe not. It's in the way she says it. It's the fact of the ridiculous background music that is playing during the scene. Maybe it's just because I was a weirdo child and that line stuck with me for some reason. I really don't know, but there it is. Greatest. Line. Ever.
So, in essence, I am jealous of my dad right now. He is hanging with a celeb of both cinema and sport. And by the way, I wish I were there 95% only because I want to use that line.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
I'm really trying to be tired. But, I'm not.
Today was wonderful, because FINALLY I did a portrait session. Taking photos of people was exactly what I've been missing. I love, love, love photography. It just takes me to another place (cliche city!--no pun intended). Really though, I can spend hours and hours on taking photos and processing them. I had to rip myself away from the computer tonight. It is kind of addicting, editing photos. I love each one, and find such joy in skimming through finding favorites. It's the best feeling to create art. It is extremely satisfying.
The location of my shoot today was a park that seemed like it used to be a ranch. It was really unique in that it had an old, dilapitated stall, chickens and peacocks running around, an old house and orange trees. And of course palm trees (which, by the way, are not native to Arizona). I knew I had a lot of great photos before the shoot was even over. It was perfect. Except that I lost my client's sunglasses. Yeah. That pretty much ruined my high. So, I offered to replace them, we shall see what happens there. I feel terrible, but at the same time--well, of course I don't want to pay for the glasses. We'll see what happens.
On a totally unrelated note...I am getting married in six months! Well, six months and few days, but who (besides me) is counting. I can't wait to marry Matt. That is it. The wedding--I hope it is fun, but really, I don't care THAT much about it. The thing I truly care about is being with Matt. It's so exciting to think about what the future holds.
Today was wonderful, because FINALLY I did a portrait session. Taking photos of people was exactly what I've been missing. I love, love, love photography. It just takes me to another place (cliche city!--no pun intended). Really though, I can spend hours and hours on taking photos and processing them. I had to rip myself away from the computer tonight. It is kind of addicting, editing photos. I love each one, and find such joy in skimming through finding favorites. It's the best feeling to create art. It is extremely satisfying.
The location of my shoot today was a park that seemed like it used to be a ranch. It was really unique in that it had an old, dilapitated stall, chickens and peacocks running around, an old house and orange trees. And of course palm trees (which, by the way, are not native to Arizona). I knew I had a lot of great photos before the shoot was even over. It was perfect. Except that I lost my client's sunglasses. Yeah. That pretty much ruined my high. So, I offered to replace them, we shall see what happens there. I feel terrible, but at the same time--well, of course I don't want to pay for the glasses. We'll see what happens.
On a totally unrelated note...I am getting married in six months! Well, six months and few days, but who (besides me) is counting. I can't wait to marry Matt. That is it. The wedding--I hope it is fun, but really, I don't care THAT much about it. The thing I truly care about is being with Matt. It's so exciting to think about what the future holds.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Truths
Truth: I am beginning to feel incredibly depressed over not finding a job. I have been searching my heart out for the last two months and have had hardly any response. I feel awful. Worse? I feel like a terrible fiance and daughter.
The worst part about not having a job isn't the lack of money--although that is pretty nasty too. The worst part is feeling like you are letting everyone down. I know my parents are annoyed that I don't have a job. They should be. I am living in their home, rent free. I feel like a complete piece of shit. I just don't know what to do. No one wants me. I don't know where I am going wrong. I hate feeling judged every time I do anything. I don't like disappointing them. And I hate wasting the huge amount of money they spent on my college education.
I also feel like I am letting Matt down. We need the money. I need a job. Yet, here I am--jobless. I feel incredibly guilty not contributing anything financially. It is awful. I want him to feel more stable, and yet I haven't had a steady income for 8 months. I feel like trash.
Truth: Sometimes I wish I would have stayed in Ohio. I really miss my friends, for one thing. I know so many more people there, and I feel like I would have at least been able to find work at the school I used to teach at. I miss going out with friends. I miss seeing people. Matt misses everyone. His family is there. I love my family too, and I'm grateful to see them every day, but I miss Ohio a lot.
It is hard to see life going on without you. Everyone is busy and it seems like they all have such complex, developed lives that have absolutely nothing to do with me. And where am I? In Arizona with no job and no friends.
I thank God all the time that Matt is here with me. I am absolutely grateful that he moved here to be with me. Sometimes, I feel like a selfish, awful person for uprooting his entire life, not to mention my own. He is such a good person. I am praying that somehow, something good will come of all this. Hoping and praying.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Thinking Thinky Thinks
Some days, it seems like the world is easy. I feel like I'm winning at the game of life and everything will turn out, well, awesome. Those are good days. I like those days.
Other days, though...man. Some days are tough. Some days I don't know how I will make it to the next one. I mean, how the heck do you make it through?
Maybe it's all in how you view it? Because I know that when I look back on things, it never seems as bad after the fact. Things I thought were the most horrible event in my life a few years ago, pssssh--they were nothing. Life is a lot different now though. My priorities have shifted a lot.
A few years ago, I cared about school. Getting good grades. My social life, was probably the most important thing. I went to a party every single weekend. Life was a party, pretty much. At the same time though, I went through issues with friends that were just terrible. I had my feelings, ego and heart hurt more than once. I hated it. I honestly felt awful. Even the smallest discordance was a big deal back then. And now? Now, I don't even care about any of that anymore. Though, I do miss the parties...!
What am I concerned with now? Finding a job, for one thing. Also, having money, but I suppose those go hand in hand. Really though...what bothers me is this: Feeling like I have to let go of my dreams. Photography is going to have to be put on the back burner soon. I can feel it coming. It's pretty depressing, actually. No one wants to see their dream die. I'm fighting though. I'm fighting to keep it alive, because, man, I really want it.
I also worry about the future. Not worry really, just think about excessively. I think about my upcoming wedding and the plans for that. I think about all the things that need to be done before that point. Mostly though, I think about the next few years. I realize that life is going to be so, so, so different five years from now. I know for sure that I will be married. That's all I really know for sure, I guess. I think about a lot of other things though too. When will we have kids? What are they going to be like? What will parenthood be like? Will we have good jobs? A house? How will marriage be at that point? There are just so many questions, and really, really not enough answers.
One day, I will look back on this and think how silly it was for me to worry about any of it. Because, well, that is just life. You just have to let it happen. It always does.
Other days, though...man. Some days are tough. Some days I don't know how I will make it to the next one. I mean, how the heck do you make it through?
Maybe it's all in how you view it? Because I know that when I look back on things, it never seems as bad after the fact. Things I thought were the most horrible event in my life a few years ago, pssssh--they were nothing. Life is a lot different now though. My priorities have shifted a lot.
A few years ago, I cared about school. Getting good grades. My social life, was probably the most important thing. I went to a party every single weekend. Life was a party, pretty much. At the same time though, I went through issues with friends that were just terrible. I had my feelings, ego and heart hurt more than once. I hated it. I honestly felt awful. Even the smallest discordance was a big deal back then. And now? Now, I don't even care about any of that anymore. Though, I do miss the parties...!
What am I concerned with now? Finding a job, for one thing. Also, having money, but I suppose those go hand in hand. Really though...what bothers me is this: Feeling like I have to let go of my dreams. Photography is going to have to be put on the back burner soon. I can feel it coming. It's pretty depressing, actually. No one wants to see their dream die. I'm fighting though. I'm fighting to keep it alive, because, man, I really want it.
I also worry about the future. Not worry really, just think about excessively. I think about my upcoming wedding and the plans for that. I think about all the things that need to be done before that point. Mostly though, I think about the next few years. I realize that life is going to be so, so, so different five years from now. I know for sure that I will be married. That's all I really know for sure, I guess. I think about a lot of other things though too. When will we have kids? What are they going to be like? What will parenthood be like? Will we have good jobs? A house? How will marriage be at that point? There are just so many questions, and really, really not enough answers.
One day, I will look back on this and think how silly it was for me to worry about any of it. Because, well, that is just life. You just have to let it happen. It always does.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Ups and Downs
Occasionally, I let my mind travel to a foreign land. A land in which I have money and a job. A place where I'm not the poorest of my friends and I can afford things like vacations and new cars. I like to imagine I have an apartment that is nicely decorated and maybe a dog. I relax by my pool and thank the Lord it's not Monday. Later, I go shopping and 'pick up a few things'. Luckily, I was able to find a gorgeous dress--just my size. I wear my dress to dinner at Matt and my favorite restaurant and we laugh and joke about life. Then, we go home and enjoy a nice quiet evening together, because we wanted to, not because we were too poor to go out.
Then, I get slapped back to reality. I remember all the bills I can barely pay. I wish I wasn't unemployed and wonder if I'll ever find direction in life. All the while, while sitting on the couch my parents own, in my parents' house, with my parents looking down on me for not having a job. I stay home alone and don't get to see Matt, because I can't afford to drive my dad's car to his house. All I have is a pile of credit card and student loan debt and no one feasible way to pay for a honeymoon. Yeah. Reality sucks sometimes.
I guess it could be worse. Because, I do know that I have a wonderful fiance who loves me and would do anything for me. Even though we don't have money, we certainly have love. And at least my dad lets me drive his car, because otherwise I would be completely screwed. Oh, and I almost forgot that I am living in their home rent free. Without that, I don't know how I would survive. Thankfully, I live in an absolutely gorgeous state, where I can swim in a river, climb a mountain or just take in the natural beauty all for free. Oh, and my brother can take me off-roading in his Jeep, which, by the way, is totally fun. Thank goodness also that I can use my spare time to enjoy my life. It's really nice to be able to cultivate my photography business and learn new graphic design techniques. Plus, oh, hey, I do appreciate that my parents are actually paying for this wedding that is happening in September, including purchasing my dress for me. I love that. I also love that I have loving family who cares about me and only want me to succeed in life. Some people don't have that, you know?
There's a whole heck of a lot of things I wish were different in my life. Sometimes it seems like I could change everything...but the thing is that everyone feels that way. I'm glad I want things to change. I'm glad I'm not content with just existing in the world. I want to strive and challenge myself. So, for now, I will keep those dreams alive, but never, ever forget to thank God for what I already have.
Then, I get slapped back to reality. I remember all the bills I can barely pay. I wish I wasn't unemployed and wonder if I'll ever find direction in life. All the while, while sitting on the couch my parents own, in my parents' house, with my parents looking down on me for not having a job. I stay home alone and don't get to see Matt, because I can't afford to drive my dad's car to his house. All I have is a pile of credit card and student loan debt and no one feasible way to pay for a honeymoon. Yeah. Reality sucks sometimes.
I guess it could be worse. Because, I do know that I have a wonderful fiance who loves me and would do anything for me. Even though we don't have money, we certainly have love. And at least my dad lets me drive his car, because otherwise I would be completely screwed. Oh, and I almost forgot that I am living in their home rent free. Without that, I don't know how I would survive. Thankfully, I live in an absolutely gorgeous state, where I can swim in a river, climb a mountain or just take in the natural beauty all for free. Oh, and my brother can take me off-roading in his Jeep, which, by the way, is totally fun. Thank goodness also that I can use my spare time to enjoy my life. It's really nice to be able to cultivate my photography business and learn new graphic design techniques. Plus, oh, hey, I do appreciate that my parents are actually paying for this wedding that is happening in September, including purchasing my dress for me. I love that. I also love that I have loving family who cares about me and only want me to succeed in life. Some people don't have that, you know?
There's a whole heck of a lot of things I wish were different in my life. Sometimes it seems like I could change everything...but the thing is that everyone feels that way. I'm glad I want things to change. I'm glad I'm not content with just existing in the world. I want to strive and challenge myself. So, for now, I will keep those dreams alive, but never, ever forget to thank God for what I already have.
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