Getting Through This

I'm in panic mode. I'm breaking down at every corner. Everything is important that never mattered before. Moments. Trying to suck in every feeling, thought, and memory I've ever had. Grasping. Everything is for the last time. Hoping beyond hope that something crazy, something wildly wonderful would keep them here. Everyone here. My home here.

It is our home, and yet, those walls, the very walls and floors that were ours for all these years, are suddenly turned over. People will change it. They'll make it their own. Maybe they will live there for 18 years. Will they cry when they leave it? They won't remember making it. Planning it. Creating it. Building it. My parents' house. It was theirs. Ours. And now, it's not. I'm not prepared to pass it by. Peering in. Desperately trying to tell them it was mine.

Today was hard. Tomorrow will be harder. Weeping because they're leaving. Weeping because I'm staying. I want so, so badly to change things. I need to accept it. I have to, actually. It's just so incredibly difficult. Alone. Sad. Exhausted.

Scared. I'm afraid to be without them. So far from the three people I've had so close to me for 24 years. My whole life. I love them so much. They love me. So hard to watch them go.

Mom, Dad, Adam--I love you so much. Mikey too.

Please, please God, please help me through this.

Getting There

Something stuck with me from church today (imagine that!). Pastor Malcom said, "Faith is the lens through which we can see Jesus." And also something like, "Think of it like a windshield. If you just sat and stared at your windshield, you wouldn't be able to see anything. You have to look though it to see what's in front of you." I'm sure he said it more eloquently than that, but you get the idea.

This all hit me because I constantly hear things like, "faith is enough" or "you've got to have faith" (okay, that one might be a song). Not that you don't need to have faith, because you definitely do. But, it is like Malcom said, "It is the lens through which we can see Jesus." By acquiring faith, we are able to put down our guard and drop our conditions. We can see Him for who He truly is, not what we want Him to be or who we think He is. Faith allows us to see God. That's amazing.

To be brutally honest, I have struggled with my faith in the past few years. I think that being out on your own, being away from family, church, and other support, makes you question the faith you were brought up in. And, it's a good thing. It's scary though, too. It's downright frightening to feel as though your faith might not be right. If you don't have faith in what you believe though, you don't have faith at all.

However, through all the analyzing and questioning and investigating though, I've come to the conclusion that God wants me to investigate, to overanalyze, to question. That's the person he made me to be. I'm not someone who is willing sit back and enjoy the ride of Christianity. I want to feel God and create a relationship that is all my own with Him.

I've had a lot of feelings lately. About God, church, my relationship with him, my choices, my outwardness about Him. There are so many issues, there is no way I can tackle that at this moment. But, the point is that I've been thinking about it. A lot. I want to be more spiritual. I want to feel God's presence more so than I'm currently allowing. I deeply crave the relationship that others seem to have with God. And it's not God that's stopping me. I know who is stopping me. The culprit that seems to put the kibosh on everything in my life.

Me.

As much as it may or may not look like I am developing my and God's relationship to outsiders. I am. I'm talking to God a lot lately. And thinking about Him too. I'm trying to grasp everything and just soak it in. Maybe I am going slowly. Maybe there are better ways. Right now though, right now I am working on my own time. And really, I think that's okay. One day, maybe one day soon, I think that I will fully have the relationship that I am aiming toward. The one God wants to have with me. I'm getting there, I really am.

I am trying to use my faith to see God. To give up my own human expectations and ideas, and focus on who God just is. Because really, it's not up to me. There is one God. One Almighty creator of the universe. He is our God. Everyone's. He made every single person on this planet and wants all of us to have a special relationship with Him. He is my God and I want to love him and know him. Better. More fully. And believe me, I'm getting there.

Ma'am, you seem to be rambling!

It's officially 3am, and I just finished a hastily written lesson plan and I'm pretty sure I'm done with the research work that is due tomorrow (though I still didn't turn it in, for fear that it is awful). Tomorrow is Easter. Scratch that, today is Easter. Glad I told my mom we should go to the 11am service. Sunrise service sounds a little unmanageable right now.

I know that what I say on this blog is mostly personal, petty bits of information about my life that no one really cares about but me. I wish it were more meaningful. More fluid, too. But, writing is my therapy. It is honestly better to me than talking to a psychiatrist. Okay, I'm just assuming that part, but I feel like it probably is. I can just put into writing my thoughts and feelings, that sometimes never reach my lips. It seems like whenever I try to say something out loud, I fumble my words and spit out nonsense. I'm not one of those people who comes off as intelligent when I speak. Nope. Not at all.

I've thought about writing another blog. Devoted to...something. But, what? I don't even have the slightest clue what I'd write about. Fashion? No. Money? Definitely not. Art? Boring. Writing about writing? Pretty sure that's what I'm doing right now. What do I even know enough about to write a whole blog on? I'll let you know if I think of something.

I guess there is no need to explain over and over again that this is just a personal blog, mostly meant for me, and perhaps a few friends. If other people stumble upon it and find me interesting, well, cool. I just feel guilty sometimes that I write nothing of substance or importance to anyone else's life. Maybe I will start...on another blog.

Well, I better try to get some rest. Goodnight and happy Easter, all!

But At Least I Make Time For Blogging

The idea that you can have a job that makes you happy and makes you enough money to survive has never really crossed my mind. I grew up in a home with a mother who, although she earned a great income, detested her job. This is what I have come to picture the corporate world as; a place where one's soul is sucked and body and mind are overworked. All of this, simply to bring home a fat paycheck.

To this, I said, no thanks.

Then, I graduated high school.

In college, as I have written about in past posts, I had no idea what I wanted to do, and eventually settled on communication. I felt that it was a happy medium between living in a box and the soul sucking. Soon after graduation, I realized that way too many others had thought the same thing. And, there I was again, stuck in the same dilemma. Wtf, mate?

Well, I went back to school and now have gotten myself into a mound of debt, along with still not knowing what I want to do with my life. So, here we stand. What do I do about it?

1. I work a full-time job at a preschool.

2. I am (newly) freelance writing for Demand Studios.

3. I am doing lifestyle, portrait, and wedding photography at Sweet September photography.

And yet...

Still the money is not rolling in. Where is the money?!

I am committing at least 50 hours a week to work-related tasks, which is nearly unmanageable with my school load too. I cannot, for the life of me, grasp how people are making money in this world. I mean, really.

So, back to soul-sucking jobs...it's happening to me. It's not even the jobs so much as the time-commitment involved. And it is the worst kind of soul-sucking, low-pay sucking.

Let's start a revolution. We'll all reclaim our lives. Ready?

$$$

How can we not live for money in this money-driven, money-worshipping society? It seems almost impossible to run from the money monster, as it creeps into ever facet of our lives.

I guess the first step is to stop spending. Easier said than done, yes? I would love to say that nothing makes me happier than living simply, but I enjoy retail therapy, I really do. It feels so good to buy a new outfit or electronic gadget. As a photographer, I indulge way too often in the latter category. How can I stop myself from spending so much??

I've tried budgeting, but, like with everything else in my life, I lack the control to actually be able to maintain the budget. I've tried cleaning up clutter, but again, it always comes back to haunt me. It never ceases to amaze me that I have so much, when I need so little. However, what words commonly drain from my mouth? "I have no money." "I wish I were rich." "I want ______."...the list goes on.

I need to stop, and really, I want to stop. Life is about so, so much more than material things. I just need to figure out how to make this MY reality.