The worst part about not having a job isn't the lack of money--although that is pretty nasty too. The worst part is feeling like you are letting everyone down. I know my parents are annoyed that I don't have a job. They should be. I am living in their home, rent free. I feel like a complete piece of shit. I just don't know what to do. No one wants me. I don't know where I am going wrong. I hate feeling judged every time I do anything. I don't like disappointing them. And I hate wasting the huge amount of money they spent on my college education.
I also feel like I am letting Matt down. We need the money. I need a job. Yet, here I am--jobless. I feel incredibly guilty not contributing anything financially. It is awful. I want him to feel more stable, and yet I haven't had a steady income for 8 months. I feel like trash.
Truth: Sometimes I wish I would have stayed in Ohio. I really miss my friends, for one thing. I know so many more people there, and I feel like I would have at least been able to find work at the school I used to teach at. I miss going out with friends. I miss seeing people. Matt misses everyone. His family is there. I love my family too, and I'm grateful to see them every day, but I miss Ohio a lot.
It is hard to see life going on without you. Everyone is busy and it seems like they all have such complex, developed lives that have absolutely nothing to do with me. And where am I? In Arizona with no job and no friends.
I thank God all the time that Matt is here with me. I am absolutely grateful that he moved here to be with me. Sometimes, I feel like a selfish, awful person for uprooting his entire life, not to mention my own. He is such a good person. I am praying that somehow, something good will come of all this. Hoping and praying.
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