When you have two options that are so diametrically proposed, yet you want each of them equally…what a pickle!
Right now, I'd love nothing more than to quit my job, move across the country, have a family, and be a great wife. I am craving the small town life more and more each day. I want green. I want trees, grass, and water. I want everything that seems so distant in this dusty, hot desert. I want home. I miss the sense of comfort you had no idea you felt until you left and you don't feel it anymore. The familiarity, the people I used to know, the places I used to frequent seem so far away now.
But then there are people I love here. My mom and dad, two of the most important people in my whole life, I could not live without them. I don't want my children to live without them. And there are others. Phoenix has introduced me to some people I really love and care about. It would be so hard to be without them. And Phoenix is a great place.
I miss Ohio. I miss sharing a common experience and way of life as others around me. I miss not having to explain the way things used to be--they just know because their experiences are the same. I miss the love, the heart, and the soul. I miss my two really good friends. Good friendship is so difficult to come by. I think this summer has really scorned me. Losing several good friends to moves across states was really hard. They were people I invested in and cared for deeply. I think their being gone has made me extremely cautious of making friends with others. Developing friendships is hard and you pretty much leave yourself open like a wound. It's scary that some kind of poison might get into the wound or maybe it's a healing property that just decides to move to another state…
Until I wrote that out just now, I don't think I realized how my friends' moves had effected me. It's true that I have pushed people away in the last few months. Now I realize why.
I don't know. I do feel like I am ready to start the next chapter in my life, whatever that may be. I have high hopes for the future, but also feel a little let down by the current state of things. I want to be the person I am supposed to be. I want to be loving and kind toward others. I want to feel passionate about something I truly care about. I want to love. I want to love so much. I want to be an amazing wife, and I want that to be one of my highest priorities. I want to soak in the relationship I have with Jesus. I need to learn to feel and hear his presence more profoundly. I just want happiness and joy and freedom and love.
