When you have two options that are so diametrically proposed, yet you want each of them equally…what a pickle!

Right now, I'd love nothing more than to quit my job, move across the country, have a family, and be a great wife. I am craving the small town life more and more each day. I want green. I want trees, grass, and water. I want everything that seems so distant in this dusty, hot desert. I want home. I miss the sense of comfort you had no idea you felt until you left and you don't feel it anymore. The familiarity, the people I used to know, the places I used to frequent seem so far away now.

But then there are people I love here. My mom and dad, two of the most important people in my whole life, I could not live without them. I don't want my children to live without them. And there are others. Phoenix has introduced me to some people I really love and care about. It would be so hard to be without them. And Phoenix is a great place.

I miss Ohio. I miss sharing a common experience and way of life as others around me. I miss not having to explain the way things used to be--they just know because their experiences are the same. I miss the love, the heart, and the soul. I miss my two really good friends. Good friendship is so difficult to come by. I think this summer has really scorned me. Losing several good friends to moves across states was really hard. They were people I invested in and cared for deeply. I think their being gone has made me extremely cautious of making friends with others. Developing friendships is hard and you pretty much leave yourself open like a wound. It's scary that some kind of poison might get into the wound or maybe it's a healing property that just decides to move to another state…

Until I wrote that out just now, I don't think I realized how my friends' moves had effected me. It's true that I have pushed people away in the last few months. Now I realize why.

I don't know. I do feel like I am ready to start the next chapter in my life, whatever that may be. I have high hopes for the future, but also feel a little let down by the current state of things. I want to be the person I am supposed to be. I want to be loving and kind toward others. I want to feel passionate about something I truly care about. I want to love. I want to love so much. I want to be an amazing wife, and I want that to be one of my highest priorities. I want to soak in the relationship I have with Jesus. I need to learn to feel and hear his presence more profoundly. I just want happiness and joy and freedom and love.

Am I Old Now?

For the first time in my life, I am really starting to feel old. I always thought that it was just a mindset, and I'm really not yet convinced it isn't, but I sure am starting to feel the distance from childhood.

I was looking through pictures tonight and thought about changing my Facebook profile photo. I found one I liked and almost changed it. However, while I was looking at the photo, I realized it was two years old. Two years! It was a picture from a random evening here in Phoenix. I sincerely feel as though I just showed up yesterday to Arizona, and suddenly I've been here for more than two years.

Then I started thinking about how much time has past since other life-changing events. It's been five years since college ended. Ten years since high school graduation. Why does it feel like I was JUST sitting in Mr. Smith's chemistry class or receiving my bachelor's degree at Ohio State?

So, now, I feel, well, old. It makes me sad to think how much time has gone by. I feel like I have really whittled away the last few years without making the most of it. I am scared I will waste the next two years. I am worried about what I will do with my life.

Another piece that is making me so contemplative about all this is the fact that the majority of my friends are getting ready to move. Two of my best friends are about to move to another state. Two other really close friends from work are also moving, along with a few other coworker friends of mine. When I first moved here, I thought I would never make any friends, and it did take some time. Right now, I feel like I have some great ones, but I am afraid once they are gone that my life will feel very empty and lonely. It's amazing how you can become so close to people in such a short time. I could have never dreamed two years ago that I would be this upset about losing friends I have made here in Arizona.

How can I deal with this? How can I make new friends and stay close with the old? I know from experience that it's not easy to stay in touch with people you are no longer living close to. How can I ensure that my friendships with these people do not fad and become nothing more than a memory? I really don't know and that is just where I am at right now.

I guess my post has less to do with my getting older, and more to do with my surprise over how quickly time passes by. It makes me think of that song, "100 Years to Live". That song has always depressed me, but the older I grow, the truer it rings. It's taken me 27 years to realized that life is moving SO QUICKLY. I hope I can make the most of the time I have left on this earth.

Prompt

I was reading through writing prompts for adults--I don't know why, just go with it--and I saw one that suggested writing about what younger me would have thought about older me. I actually think it was "what younger me would have liked", but either way, I thought it was an interesting idea.

I mean, I guess it depends on which younger me we are thinking about…

Ohio college-grad Jessica would be really surprised at the amount of friends I have made since leaving Ohio. At that time, I really thought the few friends I had managed to keep in Ohio would be my only friends for the rest of my life. However, when I got to Arizona, I began making friends through lots of different avenues. I guess at that time I thought that if I hadn't made that many friends in college, I probably wouldn't make many from there on out. Another thing I'd have been surprised by is how much I actually do enjoy my job. Sure, some days are tough and demanding, but overall, I feel like I am in the right career. I like what I do. I have a lot of fun teaching and I absolutely love that I've found a job I can be creative in.

I just don't think this journal prompt thing is working for me. I feel like it is almost too…basic. What I want to write about is deeper and more meaningful (well, to me at least). Journal prompts just seem way too surface level. I guess that is just not how I think of a journal.

Strings. Everything seems to be connected together with strings. I can connect to people, places, ideas, anything--it just takes strings.

Arizona is hard for me right now. For so long, it's been so good to me. I have loved the nice weather, the fun social scene, and I have made a lot if new friends. But...it's hard for me now. I am preparing my heart for the departure of a few if the closest friends I have here. Friends are one thing that has made Arizona feel like home. In the last year or two, I have become so close with a few people. The problem is--they are leaving. And that's largely the problem with Arizona. Everyone is always leaving. Or coming. And then leaving again. Nothing is stagnant here. In Ohio, you are in it for the long haul. No one plans a move to Ohio without a very good and specific reason. And no one plans to leave outside of those circumstances either. Here, the people are constantly moving in and out. It makes it difficult to keep a close circle of friends.

Also, I want to find any other way to say this, in a way that is so much less cliche, but for now, this:  people are so fake here. Not just people. Life. People rent their dumb houses with AstroTurf lawns or highly looked after grass. They have no clue who their neighbors are. The Scottsdale cultural norm will not allow for normal conversation without alcohol or expensive dining. The social lubricant is always expensive and always overboard. Everything is judged by looks. Judging a book by its cover is completely accepted here. I know Ohio is not perfect, but I feel like the Midwest is just so much more real and genuine.

There is one thing I miss about sleeping alone--this. I used to write before bed, and it would really help me to unwind and put my thoughts out to look at. Now, I can't get on my computer because it would disturb Matt. Plus, I have him to talk to, so I don't necessarily NEED to write down how I am feeling.

But there is something more permanent about putting it to paper. Or screen, I guess. There is something about writing out how you feel. You can look at it as a whole and remember. Then go back later and feel it all again. It's strange and wonderful how you can write something, and then months or years later go back and read that piece of you that was so true and real at the time.

Tonight, I was thinking about the connections we have with certain people, with all people, really. It is interesting how we become friends and grow relationships with people. What is it that draws us to certain people? How do we bond, and why?

When I think about my friends, they are so very different. Yet, I am like all of them in a way. I connect with each of them in a specific and totally different way. It's beautiful. I think that when you meet a person, a certain amount of your soul matches theirs. Or maybe compliments it. I don't know. With some people, it may be very little. With others, it can be very similar. These are the people who become your good friends. You can make deep connections with them. Conversations come naturally, and you simply feel a bond growing every time you talk together. The friendship you have with that person just makes sense. I also believe that when these relationships grow, it is an indication of your souls aligning even more. The more you talk to one of these friends, the bigger the matching pieces of your souls become.