Time and Change

Time and change will surely show

How firm thy friendship

O-HI-O

December. That will be my last month in Ohio. Wow. That's just so close. Between now and then I have so much going on, so much to do. It's going to fly by. To say that moving across the country is scary is an understatement. I wonder how my family did it so seemingly easily. It had to have been harder for them. My parents had lived here for 52 years. All their friends, family and memories are here. I had to have been hard.

I am excited. More so when I was in Arizona. There is just so much to cling to here. My friends, my relatives, my home. I remember in a sociology class at OSU, my teacher said that being buried at your college was a growing trend. The reason for this oddity is because with people moving across country and not living near their families, their college is the last place they remember truly feeling like they were at home. At the time, none of that made sense to me, and I brushed it off as nonsense. Now I kind of understand.

At Ohio State, I had a huge family. We were all a part of something big. I felt such a sense of camaraderie and school pride. We were a tight knit community, all 59,000 of us. It's funny, people say you don't experience close relationships or community at large universities, but I completely disagree. I went to a high school of less than 800 kids, but the closeness I felt to my 58,999 peers highly surpassed what high school had to offer.

I suppose you can consider this my first of many farewell to Ohio blog posts. Ohio State is a huge part of my life and always will be. Being thousands of miles away from it saddens me, but I know I will always be a Buckeye at heart.

O-H!

Today was crazy. Amanda had her bridal shower. It's so surreal now. She is getting married in two months. I guess it hasn't seemed real until today. This was like official, official. She is going to be a married woman in October. I think after the years of planning our weddings and thinking about all the little details, it is sort of hard to fathom that the day is actually almost here.

It's so weird when a lot of your friends start getting married. I can't believe how many already have. It's an odd feeling. Marriage also seemed like an untouched non-reality, but now it's here and it's happening. It's so weird that it is now. I'm looking forward to Matt and I being married. I guess you know you are growing up when you are more excited for the marriage than the wedding. Not that I don't want to have a kick azz wedding...!

It's incredible to be at a place in life where you can see where things are headed. I am so lucky and happy to have Matt in my life. I think people underestimate, maybe I even underestimate the love we have for one another. I guess we don't have the most obvious, blatant, in-your-face love, but to me, it's perfect. We fight together, laugh together, cry together and enjoy each other for who we truly are. I'm so thankful to have met such an amazing best friend who could become an amazing boyfriend too. I'm so in love.

The thing that first attracted me to Matt was how easily I could talk to him. It didn't take long before I was telling him secrets I hadn't told my closest friends in the past. He became my best friend. We created such a strong connection so long ago, I'm just beyond excited for that bond to strengthen as we grow older. I know sometimes I take Matt for granted, because he is honestly a really, really good guy. I know no matter what, he will always be there. He supports me in everything I do, loves me for who I am, encourages me, respects me and helps me in every way. I know sometimes he has a tough outer shell to crack, but inside he has a very soft and kind heart.

I like to think that God handpicked Matt and I for each other. I know that my weird personality and tendency to over think everything could not be matched with many others. However, Matt handles my "funny" voices, loud singing, uncoordinated dancing, clumsiness, obsessing and analyzing like a pro. I don't know what anyone else would do with a person like me. Personally, I think we're two in a million.

I'm so excited for our future. There have been so many twists, turns and surprises in our relationship so far, I can only imagine the rest of the story.

All You Need Is...

The most beautiful thing in the world is love. Isn't it? Love is the foundation on which everything stands. If not for love, what would we live for? The only true source of happiness is love.

Without love, how could we care about others? We would waft through life without a care in the world. The love we have for one another is the string that ties together our relationships. Love between parents and children, romantic love and the love of friends is completely necessary to uphold what we have together.

God is love. That's one of the keys that makes everything about Christianity make sense to me. God is love, and without God we are nothing. Without love, who would we be? God loves all so much that he created us, allows us to live our lives and even sent his son, Jesus to be crucified, in order for our sins to be forgiven. That is a love so deep.

When we feel love between ourselves and other people, for the relationship to work successfully (romantic or not), love, or Jesus, must be a part of it. The reason relationships fail sometimes is the lack of love. If you love someone, you don't need to get angry about silly things. You don't need to bring them down to feel good about yourself. And certainly, you don't have to hurt them, emotionally or physically in order to feel satisfied. Because satisfaction in relationships comes from the loving feeling you give and receive. Relationships are a two way street. Give all your heart and get nothing in return? Your relationship will go nowhere. Be committed to a healthy, equal partnership and success will come your way.

Am I the authority on relationships? No. Can someone argue with me? I'm sure they could, and would probably make a great case for why love isn't enough. But for me, it is enough. There are so, so many things out there that affect relationships, for better or worse, but love must be constant.

Regret & Reality: The Collision of Dreams and Real Life

Regret is a word I've come to know in the last 24 years. Often feelings of regret are brought about by my lack of motivation or drive to challenge myself. I am left wondering what if. It's a cycle no one wants to admit to, but many are bound to.

Ideally, all the what ifs and if onlys would be swept up and thrown out by a new go getter attitude. Unfortunately, the last 24 years have done little to improve my rate of motivation retention. More often than not, I get an idea in my head, run with it for a few days (months, years) and quit. It doesn't take a lot to get me motivated, but the actual motivation fades more quickly than my boxed hair color.

What I wouldn't do to find a place where I could stay in a place of constant motivation. If only they bottled that stuff. I would drink it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But, I can't. And lately, I have come to the realization that maybe you have to give up at some point. There seems to be a point where your dreams have to become just that--dreams.

I hate to sound like a dream-crushing, Debbie downer, Negative Nancy pants, but isn't that kind of the truth? I mean, who among us dreamt of working a job we hate to pay the bills? Who wanted to owe thousands of dollars to the government in exchange for an education that got you that job you hate, working for a boss you loathe? None of us. But. But what if that is just life? Or maybe it's not necessarily giving up the dream, but finding a new dream. Or disassociating your dreams with your career. Are they separate? Can they be two separate things?

As I type this, I am thinking to myself, what are my dreams? Honestly, in this point of my life (at the risk of sounding 1950s housewife esque), my dreams mostly revolve around relationships and family. I want a successful, happy marriage. I want healthy, cheerful kids. I want that life. I want to strengthen the relationships I have with my parents and brother. So, if I end up working a less than dreamy, sought-after life, I guess, I will still be living my dreams, right?

That's not to say I don't have other dreams, believe me, I dream big. For starters, I want to travel. I really do. Australia, Spain, revisiting South America. Trips to the beach and the mountains. I want to do all of those things. I want to get a much better grasp on Spanish. I want to grow my photography business and write and design and do all kinds of creative things. I want to party and play. I want to have fun. I want freedom. And liberty and to pursue happiness, (I mean helloooo!) that's in the constitution!

I guess I just don't know when my dream life and my reality life will collide. When it happens, it seems that one of them must go down. Either that, or I need to rework my life and my dreams in order to create a world in which they can coexist.

So far: I'm working on it.

I've never been able to put a label on myself. Forget a label, I've never even been able to say who I am, really. There are so many people out there whom I admire or look up to. Even just people I think are cool. Who am I amongst all of them?

I wish someone looked up to me. I wish someone looked at me and though, "Wow, that girl has it together." No one thinks that, I guarantee it.

I think that I want so badly to be something other than what, or who, I am. I just wish I could be the girl I admire. I just can't seem to puncture into anyone's world. I'm always just left a few feet outside of everyone's territory.

I don't fit in with pretty, dumb girls. I'm neither pretty enough or dumb enough for that. The artsy crowd is too exclusive. Let's not even think about sporty people--not that I would even want to hang with them. I don't know enough html code to be a true nerd and I don't read enough to be a bookworm. Where do I fit in? Maybe if I knew, I would make a heck of a lot more friends...

Somehow though, I do fit in with MY crowd. We're a funny gaggle. All different, yet much more middle of the road than others. Maybe that's what makes us friends. We're balanced. And friendly.

So where are all the other middle of the roaders of the world? Can we form a cliche?

How is it that inspiration so often comes out of devastation or desperation? I write best when I feel the worst. Do I ignore happy feelings and choose not to write about them? Or do the negative feelings simply derive more emotion. I think that when a terrible event happens, or extreme sadness or turmoil comes over me, I tend to over think and over analyze my feelings. Therefore, the only solution in clearing my head is to write. I write about all of it. Everything I am feeling at the time. Every thought is revised and recorded. It gives me something to read about. It organizes me and makes me feel less frazzled. Writing away sadness is therapy for the soul.

I want to write about happy things. I want to make people laugh or smile when they read my stories. How do I do it though? Where to I find inspiration in happiness? I'll be looking...here's to positive authoring!

me is r smart.

I'm really not stupid.

I'm goofy and silly. I make jokes and say things that don't always make sense. I go about things in a unique way at times. I often make a fool of myself. And I admit, and make public, my confusion, shortcomings and misunderstanding.

But, I'm not stupid.

I don't know what I have to do to prove to people that I'm actually half way intelligent. Do I need to keep a serious face at all times? Carry around a notebook full of musings and math problems? Wear my glasses all day long? Or maybe I just need to put a Post-it on my forehead that reads: I'm not an idiot.

I am tired of people making fun of me. I don't need or want to be the butt of all jokes. I just want to be myself. I want to have fun. Life is supposed to be fun, right? I thought so, anyway.

I dance like I mean it.

I say outlandish things.

I make up random jokes.

I listen a lot more than I talk.

I like myself.

If all of that makes me stupid, then I am as stupid as they come.