Charles B!

Sooo, my dad is basically hanging out with Charles Barkley right now. Well, I don't know about hanging out, but they are at the same bar. He's living my dream, let's just say that.

I've always been a Charles Barkley fan, and I have to say it all started with a movie. The glorious movie called Space Jam. He was my favorite basketball player in that movie, okay minus Michael J. Beyond that though, he is the star of my favorite movie line of all time. I cannot explain why it is my favorite, but it just makes the mark for me. Here it is in all it's glory:

"You're not Charles Barkley. You're just a wannabe who looks like him."

Insignificant, stupid line? Maybe...but maybe not. It's in the way she says it. It's the fact of the ridiculous background music that is playing during the scene. Maybe it's just because I was a weirdo child and that line stuck with me for some reason. I really don't know, but there it is. Greatest. Line. Ever.

So, in essence, I am jealous of my dad right now. He is hanging with a celeb of both cinema and sport. And by the way, I wish I were there 95% only because I want to use that line.

I love/hate the internet. Mostly love. But, you know. Yeah.

I'm really trying to be tired. But, I'm not.

Today was wonderful, because FINALLY I did a portrait session. Taking photos of people was exactly what I've been missing. I love, love, love photography. It just takes me to another place (cliche city!--no pun intended). Really though, I can spend hours and hours on taking photos and processing them. I had to rip myself away from the computer tonight. It is kind of addicting, editing photos. I love each one, and find such joy in skimming through finding favorites. It's the best feeling to create art. It is extremely satisfying.

The location of my shoot today was a park that seemed like it used to be a ranch. It was really unique in that it had an old, dilapitated stall, chickens and peacocks running around, an old house and orange trees. And of course palm trees (which, by the way, are not native to Arizona). I knew I had a lot of great photos before the shoot was even over. It was perfect. Except that I lost my client's sunglasses. Yeah. That pretty much ruined my high. So, I offered to replace them, we shall see what happens there. I feel terrible, but at the same time--well, of course I don't want to pay for the glasses. We'll see what happens.

On a totally unrelated note...I am getting married in six months! Well, six months and few days, but who (besides me) is counting. I can't wait to marry Matt. That is it. The wedding--I hope it is fun, but really, I don't care THAT much about it. The thing I truly care about is being with Matt. It's so exciting to think about what the future holds.

Truths

Truth:  I am beginning to feel incredibly depressed over not finding a job. I have been searching my heart out for the last two months and have had hardly any response. I feel awful. Worse? I feel like a terrible fiance and daughter. 

The worst part about not having a job isn't the lack of money--although that is pretty nasty too. The worst part is feeling like you are letting everyone down. I know my parents are annoyed that I don't have a job. They should be. I am living in their home, rent free. I feel like a complete piece of shit. I just don't know what to do. No one wants me. I don't know where I am going wrong. I hate feeling judged every time I do anything. I don't like disappointing them. And I hate wasting the huge amount of money they spent on my college education. 

I also feel like I am letting Matt down. We need the money. I need a job. Yet, here I am--jobless. I feel incredibly guilty not contributing anything financially. It is awful. I want him to feel more stable, and yet I haven't had a steady income for 8 months. I feel like trash. 

Truth:  Sometimes I wish I would have stayed in Ohio. I really miss my friends, for one thing. I know so many more people there, and I feel like I would have at least been able to find work at the school I used to teach at. I miss going out with friends. I miss seeing people. Matt misses everyone. His family is there. I love my family too, and I'm grateful to see them every day, but I miss Ohio a lot. 

It is hard to see life going on without you. Everyone is busy and it seems like they all have such complex, developed lives that have absolutely nothing to do with me. And where am I? In Arizona with no job and no friends. 

I thank God all the time that Matt is here with me. I am absolutely grateful that he moved here to be with me. Sometimes, I feel like a selfish, awful person for uprooting his entire life, not to mention my own. He is such a good person. I am praying that somehow, something good will come of all this. Hoping and praying. 

Thinking Thinky Thinks

Some days, it seems like the world is easy. I feel like I'm winning at the game of life and everything will turn out, well, awesome. Those are good days. I like those days.

Other days, though...man. Some days are tough. Some days I don't know how I will make it to the next one. I mean, how the heck do you make it through?

Maybe it's all in how you view it? Because I know that when I look back on things, it never seems as bad after the fact. Things I thought were the most horrible event in my life a few years ago, pssssh--they were nothing. Life is a lot different now though. My priorities have shifted a lot.

A few years ago, I cared about school. Getting good grades. My social life, was probably the most important thing. I went to a party every single weekend. Life was  a party, pretty much. At the same time though, I went through issues with friends that were just terrible. I had my feelings, ego and heart hurt more than once. I hated it. I honestly felt awful. Even the smallest discordance was a big deal back then. And now? Now, I don't even care about any of that anymore. Though, I do miss the parties...!

What am I concerned with now? Finding a job, for one thing. Also, having money, but I suppose those go hand in hand. Really though...what bothers me is this:  Feeling like I have to let go of my dreams. Photography is going to have to be put on the back burner soon. I can feel it coming. It's pretty depressing, actually. No one wants to see their dream die. I'm fighting though. I'm fighting to keep it alive, because, man, I really want it.

I also worry about the future. Not worry really, just think about excessively. I think about my upcoming wedding and the plans for that. I think about all the things that need to be done before that point. Mostly though, I think about the next few years. I realize that life is going to be so, so, so different five years from now. I know for sure that I will be married. That's all I really know for sure, I guess. I think about a lot of other things though too. When will we have kids? What are they going to be like? What will parenthood be like? Will we have good jobs? A house? How will marriage be at that point? There are just so many questions, and really, really not enough answers.

One day, I will look back on this and think how silly it was for me to worry about any of it. Because, well, that is just life. You just have to let it happen. It always does.

Ups and Downs

Occasionally, I let my mind travel to a foreign land. A land in which I have money and a job. A place where I'm not the poorest of my friends and I can afford things like vacations and new cars. I like to imagine I have an apartment that is nicely decorated and maybe a dog. I relax by my pool and thank the Lord it's not Monday. Later, I go shopping and 'pick up a few things'. Luckily, I was able to find a gorgeous dress--just my size. I wear my dress to dinner at Matt and my favorite restaurant and we laugh and joke about life. Then, we go home and enjoy a nice quiet evening together, because we wanted to, not because we were too poor to go out.

Then, I get slapped back to reality. I remember all the bills I can barely pay. I wish I wasn't unemployed and wonder if I'll ever find direction in life. All the while, while sitting on the couch my parents own, in my parents' house, with my parents looking down on me for not having a job. I stay home alone and don't get to see Matt, because I can't afford to drive my dad's car to his house. All I have is a pile of credit card and student loan debt and no one feasible way to pay for a honeymoon. Yeah. Reality sucks sometimes.

I guess it could be worse. Because, I do know that I have a wonderful fiance who loves me and would do anything for me. Even though we don't have money, we certainly have love. And at least my dad lets me drive his car, because otherwise I would be completely screwed. Oh, and I almost forgot that I am living in their home rent free. Without that, I don't know how I would survive. Thankfully, I live in an absolutely gorgeous state, where I can swim in a river, climb a mountain or just take in the natural beauty all for free. Oh, and my brother can take me off-roading in his Jeep, which, by the way, is totally fun. Thank goodness also that I can use my spare time to enjoy my life. It's really nice to be able to cultivate my photography business and learn new graphic design techniques. Plus, oh, hey, I do appreciate that my parents are actually paying for this wedding that is happening in September, including purchasing my dress for me. I love that. I also love that I have loving family who cares about me and only want me to succeed in life. Some people don't have that, you know?

There's a whole heck of a lot of things I wish were different in my life. Sometimes it seems like I could change everything...but the thing is that everyone feels that way. I'm glad I want things to change. I'm glad I'm not content with just existing in the world. I want to strive and challenge myself. So, for now, I will keep those dreams alive, but never, ever forget to thank God for what I already have.

Ef that Shiz

Is cursing bad? I've been wanting to curse a lot lately. Just little stressors and things have been driving me toward saying 'bad words'. It's not even that though--really, it just feels good to get my feelings out, and honestly, cursing provides and outlet for it. Or sometimes, I just want to say them to say them. 

It's weird, because I never used to curse. I didn't say the 'f-word' until I was 17, and even after that, I don't think I said it again until college. I thought it was bad and I felt awkward and guilty saying words like that. 

At some point though, my lips loosened. I started to curse more and more. And yet, I still don't think I 'over curse'. Not at all. But, I do wonder...is it so bad? 

I guess I kind of go back and forth on it, because I really dislike hearing a string of cuss words coming out of peoples' mouths. At the same time, I think it's an okay thing to do, if you aren't hurting anyone else. And, I know people say words don't hurt, but I think if you are doing it in front of your five-year-old or your 94-year-old grandmother, that's crossing the line. 

So, what to do...hmmm.