Bullying.

I am absolutely disgusted with bullying. People are literally killing themselves over the things people say. It's extremely sad. There are one of two things at play:

1. Kids have gotten meaner. Their parents have apparently not taught them to respect others and show kindness. Or, more likely, they are the ones who have inadvertently taught their children to bully in the first place. People have got to realize that kids are like sponges. They soak in everything we say and do. Gossiping about your gay neighbors? They heard it. Making comments about your black boss? Heard that too. Chatting about muslim 'terrorists' who work at the gas station? You can bet they were listening. Children don't come up with the idea to pick on people on their own. They get it from us--adults--who are supposed to be their role models, by the way. How many kids and teens have to go through the torture of constant bullying before people wake up and realize that they are ruining people's lives?

OR

2. Kids are far too soft these days. We live in a 'feel good' society where anything goes. Parents have raised their children in a plastic bubble, and once the school children burst that bubble, it's all over. Kids come home crying because so-and-so called them names. What do we do? We comfort them, tell them that child is mean and it's not true. It's not like bullying didn't exist when we were young? However, all of the sudden, it's a huge deal. I believe the kids are genuinely upset, but why? Have their parents never taught them any defense mechanisms for dealing with bullies? I grew up in a world where if someone hit me, I could hit them back (although I never would, with the exception of my brother). It's called defending yourself. The same goes for violence through words. Bullies never stop bullying. All the money spent on PSAs and public school programs to stop bullying would be better spent on teaching kids how to deal with bullies--not how to avoid them. I can speak from experience that those anti-bullying programs don't really work. Yes--they hear the message, but do they maintain it? Do they act on what they learned? Not really. They have about half an hour of 'feel good' time with the anti-bullying teacher, and then it's back to picking on everyone again. The problem isn't (just) bullies. A major part of the problem is a world full of teenagers and kids who have no idea how to defend themselves.

Honestly, I think the big issue here is a combination of both of these things. Regardless, it makes me very sad thinking about children and teenagers feeling as though their lives are in a terrible downward spiral. That's a tough spot for any kid.

chicken!

I am a spoiled brat. Really.

 I live in a nice apartment with amenities and water. I eat every day and sleep in a warm bed. Moreover, I have a great education from two excellent universities. I have access to the internet at any given time and have two computers and a cell phone. I know how to read (and that in and of itself opens so many doors) and can find almost any information I need by scouring my resources. My family is stable and loving. I have a boyfriend who loves me and treats me very well. I have lots of clothes and shoes to wear, as well as furniture and blankets. My biggest worries revolve around moving and finishing my master's degree. I have an amazing camera and am able to photograph anything I want, with the freedom to post it online for any of my fellow Americans to view freely. I live in an amazing, free country in which I can have as many children as I please (or have none at all) and practice any religion I choose. I decide what I want to do with my life.

As a woman, I am also lucky to live in a place where being a woman is not seen as a limitation. I am able to get an education and pursue a career. I can be a doctor, mother, teacher, graphic designer, athlete, dentist...anything. I can get married, but that is my choice. Who I marry is my choice, and my personal business. How I choose to live my life is based upon what I want. There is no limit set on my posiblities. That is a beautiful thing.

Sometimes it takes photographs and articles, or even personal stories to remember how many people are out there who are less fortunate than ourselves. There are so many. Children are literally starving to death, while I decide what restaurant I'd like to eat at. People are bathing in the river, while I leisurely shower for 15 minutes with no concerns. While I complain that there is not a great candidate for presidency, I should be glad that I even have a choice. There are thousands of women in the world who are silent. They have no voice and continue to live under the harsh rules set by men who never have to obey them. I have lived such a privileged life in comparison to people throughout the country and world.

I am so thankful for everything I have, everything I've been given, and the life I lead.

On Moving

I just want to shout it from the rooftops:

I AM MOVING IN LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!

Seriously. Across the country. For real, legit, it's happening. And no one cares. 

Okay, I know that's not true. I just feel like I am feeling the impact a lot harder than other people...which is funny, because at the same time, it hasn't even hit me yet. 

In a few weeks, my life is about to change completely. 

I'm leaving friends, the place I grew up, everything I know and have ever known. Thankfully, my family is in Arizona, but it just feels so surreal. How is this really happening? Is it really happening? 

In about a week and a half, I will graduate from graduate school. I will have a master's degree and hopefully on my way to a job. I am getting married in 10 months. It's just all so weird. Things are happening fast.

When did life escape me? Wasn't I just in high school, dreaming about all these things? Wondering how my life would turn out? Now, it's turning out. Of course, it's not what I would have expected, but it's still my life and it's happening now. 

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to high school again. Ahh, the changes I would make. The person I would be if I'd "known then what I know now". But we all say that, right? We all have things we would have done differently if we'd have known better. Those aren't the moments I'm after though. I want to go back and relive all those goofy, fun times, the times when I didn't care about anything in the world, other than having fun with friends. 

Anyway, I'm getting off track. The point of this post was supposed to be that moving is a huge deal. So huge. And, I kinda feel like no one really feels that or gets that, other than myself. So, here are my innermost feelings on this move and everything going on right now:

1. I'm scared I'll never make new friends.

2. I'm afraid of losing the friends I do have. 

3. I'm worried about not finding a job. 

4. Wondering how I'm going to pay the bills.

5. Thinking about affording a car and house. 

6. Trying to decide just how old I am, not literally, of course. 

7. Wondering if this is the right thing to do. 

8. It honestly makes me so sad when people talk about me moving in a negative sense. 

9. I feel bad that Matt is moving away from his family. 

10. Also, I feel guilty about it. 

11. I'm hoping I will like life out in Arizona. 

12. I'm so excited about marrying Matt. 

13. I'm ready for a fresh start in a new place. 

14. I want my photography business to bloom and flourish. 

15. I want people to call me every day. Video chat me. Write me. Anything. 

16. I just don't know about anything at all. 

17. I have to find a church in Phoenix. God is necessary. 

18. I need reassurance. 

I just want to cry sometimes and hug my mom too! Isn't that how we feel better? Cry and get a hug from our moms that somehow makes it all better? I think so. 

I'm excited, nervous, scared, happy and sad all at the same time. I think I am emotionally overloaded and it's making me numb. I am just putting all these feelings aside all the time, and all of the sudden, they are going to get really hard to deal with. 

I hope and pray I am making the right decision. 

I've always had a sneaking suspicion that they way 'they' tell you to do things isn't necessarily the right way. There are all these prescribed steps one must go through in life to 'succeed'. Supposedly if you follow their steps exactly, life will just be one picture-perfect ride. Hmph.

Well, I tried to follow the steps. I tried hard in school, got into college, graduated. Yet...no job. So, I did the next logical thing--I went back to school for a master's degree. Of course with MORE education, I would find a job, right?

I'm still not finished with school, but that is truly irrelevant. At the moment, I am pouring over lesson plans for a second grade class that, honestly, I am not too worried about. I know that sounds cold, especially when we are talking about children (whom I do love dearly). It is the truth though. And when I hear my mentor teacher speak with such passion about the kids she teaches, going as far to say they are her own kids/family, I feel deeply inadequate. I do not feel this way about the kids. Yes, I like them and I care about them, but I do not share the passion she has for educating them. I think any career without passion is flat. Of course, there are thousands of people living each day within their flat careers. However, I don't think that a person who educates precious young children should do so without a passion, love and drive for teaching. And, well, I just don't have it.

It's not enough to simply 'like' your career. You have to live and breathe it. Unfortunately, I have discovered that when it comes to teaching, I just don't. At this point, however, I have invested so much money in my education, it is irrational and down right foolish to give up. So, about two months, I will have a master's degree in education. For what purpose? I'm not sure. I pray that somehow it aids me in my job search.

I am reluctant to even post this blog entry, because I know someone will read it and judge me for every word of it. I guess that is what I subject myself to though, when you write a blog.

Goalio

I have goals. These are the goals:

1. Find a job in Arizona. I really don't care what it is, honestly. I mean, care to an extent, but only to the extent that I can make a decent amount of money. Hopefully, I can also find something where I get off work by 5pm or earlier. I don't mind working late, but getting off earlier would give me the time to pursue my real goal....

2. Become a legitimate photographer. I know I have the ability and the personality. I think I even have a decent business sense, however, what I need is cash. And time. It's so hard to pursue a full-time job and a photography career at the same time, especially without a lot of cash flow. Which leads me to goal number tres...

3. Pay off my debts. This also goes back to why I so badly need to meet goal number 1. I must pay off my credit card and student loan debt. It is pretty bad. I am sinking in the debt, pretty much. And a photography business is just going to throw my deeper into debt. So, yeah, definitely need to work on that.

So there are my main life goals right now. Simple to see, yet complex to reach. Le sigh...

Amanda is officially married to Jason today. It's still all just a huge daze. So much planning for this day, and now that it's over, I don't know where the time went. I've been counting down the hours for Amanda since Wednesday and it's hard to believe it goes from 56 hours to 23 hours to 1 hour to over so quickly.

Life is so short. It's so precious. All these little moments are what make life worth living.

That's all. Goodnight.