Goalio

I have goals. These are the goals:

1. Find a job in Arizona. I really don't care what it is, honestly. I mean, care to an extent, but only to the extent that I can make a decent amount of money. Hopefully, I can also find something where I get off work by 5pm or earlier. I don't mind working late, but getting off earlier would give me the time to pursue my real goal....

2. Become a legitimate photographer. I know I have the ability and the personality. I think I even have a decent business sense, however, what I need is cash. And time. It's so hard to pursue a full-time job and a photography career at the same time, especially without a lot of cash flow. Which leads me to goal number tres...

3. Pay off my debts. This also goes back to why I so badly need to meet goal number 1. I must pay off my credit card and student loan debt. It is pretty bad. I am sinking in the debt, pretty much. And a photography business is just going to throw my deeper into debt. So, yeah, definitely need to work on that.

So there are my main life goals right now. Simple to see, yet complex to reach. Le sigh...

Amanda is officially married to Jason today. It's still all just a huge daze. So much planning for this day, and now that it's over, I don't know where the time went. I've been counting down the hours for Amanda since Wednesday and it's hard to believe it goes from 56 hours to 23 hours to 1 hour to over so quickly.

Life is so short. It's so precious. All these little moments are what make life worth living.

That's all. Goodnight.

Jesus Loves You!

It saddens me lately to see so many Christians I know suddenly rebel and turn against God. And, by lately, I guess I mean in the last few years.

No one in particular, just people. Friends, acquaintances, randoms, whatever. Many of the people whom I have seen go through this 'transformation' are people who grew up in strict Christian homes with parents who way over did it on the discipline. I feel like they are living out their teenage rebellious years now. It's just sad to me, because some of them do not realize that God is so much more.

I feel like a lot of these people grew up learning about God in a very 'textbook' sense. They knew all about Him, but did they really know Him? They may have had life experiences along the way that made them angry towards God, or maybe they world told them that He wasn't really there. I don't really know, and I won't pretend to know. It just makes me sad.

I know I'm not perfect. Not even close. I mean, really not close at all. Sometimes, I think I'm a terrible Christian. I don't go to church as much as I should and I don't think I live the way Jesus would want a lot of the time. I worry I'm not a good enough Christian. I have doubts and fears and regrets just like everyone else. But I do try. Really. I try to be like Jesus. It's just hard, because, well, He has such huge shoes sandals to fill.

If I could tell every one of those people one thing it would be this:  Jesus is your friend. He loves you. He knows you've made mistakes and questioned things along the way. He knows what you've been through. He knows your struggles and your hardships. But, still, He loves you. Keep Him in your heart. Remember why you are a Christian in the first place. It's not because you are the best at following the ten commandments or you can recite the books of the Bible in backwards order. It's because you believe Jesus saved you. Remember that!

Anyway, I guess that's all

I'm Not A Sheep. Right?

When I was 15, I wanted nothing more than to fit in. I would have been happy feeling as though I was just like everyone else. I pretended to 'get' things I didn't understand, just so I could laugh at the same jokes my peers were laughing at. I tried to go to all the dances and events, because 'everyone was doing it'. High school's biggest challenge for most kids seems to be how to blend in.

It's funny though. When you get older, and realize just how similar we all are, the goal suddenly shifts. Now, I find myself trying to stand out. I want to distinguish myself from the crowd. I want to feel that I'm unique and that my thoughts and feelings are totally different than everyone else's.

I spend a lot of time on the internet. I love reading blogs and social media. It's so interesting how many of us have similar thoughts, emotions and ideas. We struggle with so many of the same things and similar problems. Our common thread is that we want to be heard. Above the crowd. Is it possible though?

I'll be honest. Sometimes, I think I'm really smart. I get a great idea in my head and think to myself, "I can't believe no one has thought of this before!" Then, I get on Google. Moment ruined. Someone, or ten other someones, apparently had the same thought. It really makes me wonder how unique I can possibly be. Does anyone stand out, or are we all just the same basic beings?

In writing this post and a few other things, my conclusion is this:  It's all in the presentation. Yes, there are so many people out there similar to me--same situations, same upbringings, same ideals. But, we are not the same person. And, call this communication major bias, but it's in the way we communicate our lives that make us unique. Creativity lies within all of us. Sure, it's more apparent in the writers, photographers, painters, dancers, etc. But the engineers, entrepreneurs, mothers, teachers...they are all creative too. It's just that we all display our creativity in a different way. Creativity is so connected to our innermost emotions and feelings. It is how we display ourselves. To me, displays of creativity are also displays of self. It is how we communicate and present ourselves to others.

I think that each of us has a desire, somewhere deep down to be unique and special. We want to be recognized for our talents and thoughts. We just want to be recognized.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Granola

Okay, I never post this kind of stuff, but I made the most delicious super easy recipe the other day. It's awesome for a snack or breakfast.

Spoon full of natural peanut butter
Handful of granola
Dollop of (preferably homemade blackberry) jam

I like to layer mine in a cup:  First, the PB, then the granola, then the jam. It's soooo good. Crunchy and a good source of energy. Very filling!

I'll post a pic soon!

ID

Identity. Who the heck am I? And what am I doing here?

Being jobless teaches you a lot of things; being frugal, enjoying sunlight, creativity...the list goes on and on. It has also shown me something else though: My lack of identity.

No, I haven't gotten amnesia. I still have a name and address, but it's got me wondering. Who am I, really? I first noticed my identity crisis when I had to fill out a survey that asked about my employment. I hesitated for a moment, and responded, "photographer". I suppose I could have said student, but that hardly feels right anymore. Neither did my barely part-time photography gig answer. But, again, who am I?

I can name my family, my boyfriend and friends. I know my whereabouts, my car and my phone number. I recall the possessions and appointments I have. Where is the real me in all of that though? Am I not more than just things and labels?

So, now I'm left questioning and searching. Here is who I think I am, at best description:

At my best, I'm a dreamer, a thinker and creator. I try my hardest to make people laugh, even at my own expense. I love so hard. On my worst days I'm lazy, overbearing and irritable. I try not to be, but sometimes it's me. I eat too much, exercise too little and hope it all balances in the end. People are my entertainment, my enemy and my audience. I do silly things on purpose. I take chances at the wrong times. I'm still shy, even after rehearsing all my life. I give up way too easily on myself, but never, ever on other people. I'm the queen of second and 100th chances. I cry during commercials. I empathize, and feel terrible when I can't. I do a lot for the that love feeling. I pray a lot, but sometimes I wish I could hear God more clearly. I probably need to listen better. I'm never a fighter, even would I should be. I like to keep the world balanced. I have a soft spot for animals, especially dogs. I'm really going to miss Ohio's fall weather. I try so hard to make people believe I'm smart, but I don't think anyone does. I have a complex about people thinking I'm stupid. I value art, writing, humanities and social science at the same level as math and science. I want a lot of worldly things, but don't need most of them. I sing all the time and I don't even notice. There's humor in practically every situation, and sometimes I feel I'm the only one who sees it. I try so desperately to grasp just one thing I'm good at. I want to be successful, but not at the expense of my happiness. I worry so much about my future financial situation. I wonder all the time what life will be like in ten years. I dream about the past all the time too. I like juxtaposition. Or I don't. My political views are so skewed, I can't tell right from left anymore. Literally. Figuratively. I want to be real. I want to be respected and valued. If people knew me, I wonder if they would like me. I want to be beautiful on the inside and out, and many times I wonder if I'm actually a nice person, or just a wanna be. I try. I really, really try. One day, I want to be someone important. Even with a master's degree in hand, I think I'll still find myself inadequate. But, I don't really think I am. I'm so confident at some level, and so insecure on another. I'm sure I'm here, but I don't know when I'll get there. I never know when to stop. Or start. Or just be okay with where I am. I don't think I'll ever be okay with where I am, and that is okay with me. Sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but lucky breaks and cheating. I don't know how I'm cheating, but I feel like I must be to have gotten through the last 24 years without too many scratches. There I go not valuing myself again. It can't all be luck, I have to know that. I think I know that. I need breaks. I need time to myself. I have got to be alone at some point in the day or I'll go crazy. But, I'll never walk away from anyone. I can hardly hang up the phone first. People are my drug. So is food, shopping and the internet. I have an addictive personality. I crave attention and I know that's obvious. I need to feel connected and I need love. I really do. Kind comments never, ever go unnoticed. Neither to harsh ones. I take every little thing to heart. I always worry people are mad at me. I guess that's a confidence issue. Doesn't everyone have a confidence issue? I wonder if confidence is cumalitive. Hopefully, it grows with time. I know mine has so far. One day I'll be able to write a book on who I am, not just a giant blog entry. I am me. I am the only me there is. The only me that ever will be. I've been the same since birth, only wiser and with a bigger vocabulary. The more 'me' I am, the less I am everyone else. And isn't that so hip?

That's me. Next time I'll write that on my survey.