Friday, Friday--wait, no.

Damn Rebecca Black and her annoying, but undeniably catchy lyrics. WNCI has ruined my life by playing her song repeatedly for the last few weeks. Now her 13 year old Kesha (yes, I realize there's no dollar sign, but it's dark and I can't find the money key, sorry)-like voice is penetrating any of the more sound thoughts attempting to form in my head.

The worst part? Today isn't even Friday, and neither is tomorrow for that matter. It's freaking Wednesday.

Effffff.

And There You Have It

I love my boyfriend. I really do, and I think we have a fabulous relationship.

Sometimes, I will admit, I do get jealous of the outwardly "cute couples". The hand holds, the pecks on the cheek, the sitting on the lap--you know the drill. I'm sure I've frustrated Matt on more than one occasion when complaining that we never engage in much, if any, of that.

Then, I get a reality check. No, Matt doesn't do those things often with me, but I have to look at myself too. I'm not rushing to cook Matt dinner or bake him treats. Nor am I doing his laundry or consoling him on his rough day at work. Should I? Probably more so than I do. After combining all of this with the things Matt doesn't do for me, it's pretty clear that we are not the typical couple. Nope. Not at all.

But, that's okay.

Instead of holding hands, we are making each other smile. I'm not calling him "honey", because I'm calling him "Matt-Matters", or "Mattagascar", or "Matthiassen" (I'll stop there, but I'm sure I could come up with more--it's what I do.). When we are in public, he's not kissing me, because he's making me laugh. Maybe we don't talk about our day, but we do talk about our ideas, feelings, and opinions. We like the internet (i.e. we are nerds), music, photography, fashion, and words. And, I'm not baking him cookies, because I'm too busy writing a blog about how much I really do love him (okay, and because I really can't cook).

I love our unique-ness. This is how I know we are meant for each other. I'm tired of trying to live up to the standards the world sets for couples in love. If it works for you, then great. For us, well, we are going for something that is between the two of us. I'm frankly thrilled with the fact that our love isn't by the book. It's something totally different, something so us.

Matt makes me happy. He is a great man, and a really wonderful boyfriend. Maybe others can't see that we love each other, it's probably true that they can't. I really don't care though. I know that our bond is strong and powerful. I hope that it's apparent, but the only ones who it really needs to be apparent to are Matt and myself.

Love is a strange, strange thing. Being in love with another person, to me, is like Dr. Seuss once said,

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

Chris.

I'm still just unable to come to terms with it right now. Earlier tonight, I found out a friend of mine, Chris Koger, passed away. It's just so difficult to fathom that someone so young, and so full of life could meet death so early.

Chris was an awesome friend. He was definitely quirky, and not your average guy. That's what was so great about him. Only Chris would sit in his apartment and watch Cartoon Network for hours at a time. I remember being in his apartment the night of the Mirror Lake Jump, and watching Blue's Clues with him. Only Chris would be bragging that he figured out the mystery before seeing all the clues. Speaking of Mirror Lake, he definitely didn't want to jump in, but of course, being the guy he is, he went with us anyway, reluctantly of course. I'll never forget the night of Halloween when Rohn and Chris knocked on our door dressed as Diddy and his assistant. He could always make me laugh. When we were both still in our apartments after fall quarter, I can still remember sitting there watching a Charlie Brown Christmas. Chris was just a great guy, and such a good friend. He is someone who you knew would always be there for you, even if he didn't make that very obvious. He always had the best facial expressions and comments when you said something to him. So funny. I'm so thankful Kelsey and I sat on the seventh floor waiting for him to open the door in before the Michigan game last year. Even though he ended up getting tickets and not watching the game with us, I'm still happy I got to spend those 15 minutes with him.

Chris, I so wish I could turn back time and spend one more day with you. One more time grilling chicken in the backyard of Harrison Apartments. One more time watching Scooby Doo. One more time laughing about something stupid. One more time at a Damon's for dinner. One more time.

You were just an amazing person here on earth, and I am so thankful that we got the chance to be neighbors, and friends. Love you, Chris.

The Lonely Little Flower

In the movie, "The Brave Little Toaster", there is a scene where the toaster runs into the forest. There he sees one solitary flower, when the flower catches its own reflection in the metal toaster, it momentarily becomes overjoyed at the sight of what it thinks is another flower. However, the toaster runs away, afraid. When the toaster peaks out from his hiding place, he sees that the flower has wilted, broken-hearted that it is now alone.

After watching this movie the other day, I can't seem to get this scene out of my head.

What a great movie, by the way.

God steadily pressed David toward his breaking point, eventually bringing him to surrender. David’s denial needed to give way so he could acknowledge his trouble and start looking again to a power greater than himself, a power rooted in the grace of his loving God. Things had never looked worse for David. Or better.

Stuck.

Sometimes, the need to cry just sneaks up on me. Right now, it's here. I feel so overwhelmed and I think I have a lot of anxiety toward all the changes and challenges coming up in my life in the next few months. It's just so much to take in. It's difficult for me to describe how I feel, because I don't really recognize all the feelings jumping around inside of me. However, I do know that I have way too much on my plate.

Graduate school is hard. It's really, really hard. Right now it is extremely intense, and I just don't have time in my life for it, alongside all the other demands I have, anyway. I am so tired of my job, which is going nowhere. All it is doing is taking up my time that I could be using to pursue other interests or even study for school. I cannot have a life like this. It's not possible. I'm tired of never seeing Matt, and never having time for friends. I'm sick of having to constantly be engaging in school or work, and my upcoming internship (I'm sure will follow as one of the worst parts of my week). I hate this. I hate everything that has to do with school and teaching right now.

All of that would be manageable if I a) had a social life or b) wasn't trying to simultaneously pursue photography. I have so much to think about in my personal life right now, but I haven't had any time to reflect on that because I have been so busy with work and school. Photography has been inching its way further and further into my life, but I feel as though I have to keep pushing it back, because of all the other demands. I just don't feel like I have any choices and I feel so stuck and trapped.

I feel like a broken record going on and on about this kind of stuff. But, I'm starting to feel like a broken soul from the way all of the stress in my life is getting to me. I feel so much pressure everywhere, and I just don't know which way to turn anymore. I'm just sick about everything.

Tired

I am tired. I really am just tired.

Lately, it just seems as though I spend the majority of my time playing catch up. By the way, I'm not good at that game. Not at all, really. Financially, I can't seem to get ahead. Each week, I try so hard to scrimp and save my money in the hopes of one day affording a new camera, however something always steps in my way. For instance, my car. My car has cost me about $1,200 in the last nine months, and today the power steering quit working. I cried. Not because my arms couldn't handle the strength training of the turns (though I do feel more buff because of it), but because it's just another few hundred dollars that will not be going toward my ever shrinking camera fund.

The catch up game tends to find me in all aspects of life. Another place I haven't quite mastered the game is in my schoolwork. This one I can pretty easily attribute to myself, as I procrastinate like nobody's business. This procrastination translates into more and more catching up and eventually I really don't even care anymore.

I guess all of it really reflects on my (very weak) ability to handle things. Simply put: I can't handle things. When the situation gets out of control, I get out of the situation. Exhaustion, impatience, and frustration just do me in. I guess I'm not the strongest piece of plywood (that is honestly the worst analogy ever, and I hope I made it up, because I wouldn't want anyone else to have ever tried to pass that off as creativity).

Anyway, life goes on.

Well, this was about the whiniest post ever. Hopefully, everyone else is having a great day. Maybe tomorrow I will have something better and more fun to write about. Until then, au revoir.